I've been trying to eat a little more regularly... I don't remember what I had for breakfast, though.
[ And if she did, those thoughts are pushed aside as the scent of turnovers reaches her nose. She steps towards the door. ] Mmm.... they smell really good.
[ There's still some concern radiating from her as she looks them over, almost on her toes. Komaeda hadn't sounded so good in her head a few minutes ago. ]
[He meets her eyes, his smile thin but at meeting her eyes he tips his head slightly. Without words, 'we'll be okay'. He closes the distance between them and sets the bag on a table as he joins her. He comes up and wraps his arms around her. Here she is warm and safe. Something inside his chest eases. His luck, and the past haven't taken this.]
I find a schedule helps. But both of you accuse me of being a workaholic! Anyway, both of you should eat.
[He kisses her forehead and let's go of her to drop into a near by chair. It takes very little to liberate a couple turnovers from the bag. They're the warm savory turnovers of various ingredients but all of them pleasing. The first one isn't his favorite pairings. His shoulders relax.] Don't worry about me. I'll have to wolf down a lot of food later but I'm fine.
[Using Dunamis requires energy and when he heals he has to use a lot. That means getting that energy back. All three of them are teenagers and that means if someone let him, he'd clear out a market stall and get halfway through the next one.]
[ As soon as Komaeda goes to the food, Nanami goes for Hinata, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug and snuggling into his chest. She doesn't know what happened, but she's there for them.
She holds there for several seconds, reluctant to let go, but she finally does, going back to the kitchen for the tea tray and bringing it out to the living room, where she sets it on the table. ] I've been trying to... Sonia-san and I usually eat breakfast together.
[ She frowns as she sits next to Nagito. ] But I got up early to practice... what time is it? [ She reaches for a turnover and takes a large bite of it, making a little contented sound as the taste hits her tongue, her eyes tearing up a bit at the heat. ]
It's around one thirty. [He has already finished two of the turnovers. Sometimes he laments all the training he does. It's like he is never full these days.]
How has your practice been going? [As a rule, he keeps a sharp eye on their class efforts on Dunamis and what skills are being learned. Mu has hammered that into his head. He had had the instincts for it before but the training and talk of why has been important.]
Slowly. [ She frowns as she stares at the bag of food, as if it holds the secrets of the universe, or maybe just a really interesting prize. ] I think I have some ideas, but... I think Dunamis don't really work very well if you're not feeling things, which is a little harder to do by yourself, I guess? [ She chews slowly as she contemplates. ] But... I've ranked a little higher in XP, at least.
[ Her eyes flick from Nagito to Hajime, curious -- but rather than ask an explicit question, she just snuggles against both of them, pulling Hajime close enough on the couch to do so if he isn't already. ]
[ The hug is tight and warm. It's a reminder of how real she is and how close she is. But at the same time -- his eyes flicker from red to green and back again. It's comfortable, and yet, at the same time it hurts. The pain comes from lingering memories and feelings from the past, all dug up and forced open to the surface. But he mentally shakes it off.
Komaeda knows what he feels. He's spoken about it. He knows full well that he needs to tell her, too. But the fear seeps into his heart and almost manifests as cracks, but he stops himself. He can't do this right now.
Not in front of her. ]
... [ He wants to retort in regards to the whole "hard to do by yourself" in regards to feeling things, but he immediately speaks up, quiet, solemn: ] You just need to get into your own head more, Nanami.
[ Ah. His first mistake. He immediately regrets it, but doesn't take it back. While internally, he knows what's going on in his head, he doesn't show it at all externally. His poker face is perfect. He knows that. And it helps that he can control his emotional reactions now. Otherwise they would see the darkness manifest once again.
And while it's so comfortable to be snuggled up like this, it's a grave reminder of the things from the past.
His memories.
Memories only he has. Neither of them have it. Neither of them have seen it. It's his, and his alone. He can still hear the words echo in his head, completely unaware that the voices that speak in his memories is also being projected to the two of them.
"Yeah... I'm done for. I won't... be able to help you. I'm... sorry."
"Even in your situation, you would still try to protect someone?"
"Because I love... everyone. No... I don't want to die! I... I still have things I want to do. I wanted... to stay classmates with everyone! One... one more time... I wanted... to play video games... with you, Hinata-kun." ]
At least you're learning, though. [ Even with those thoughts and memories, painful as they are, he manages to smile through them. He's keeping his emotions locked up inside of him, wearing a mask that's glued onto his face, unaware that they might have heard his memory. Perhaps even saw it, too. ] That's good.
[His sigh is long and drawn out. Hinata is in so many pieces it's going to be a while before it all settles. He wants to rebuild him, help him. But all he can do is be there. Because as Empatheias, this world itself has shown him. The personal road is the one no one can help you with.]
Memories are the easiest way to generate emotions. At first to attune to yourself and what you feel, memory petals might be of assistance!
[He keeps his eyes on Chiaki before he finally says.]
I remembered how the fall to despair started...maybe where it set in. It...there is a lot of it I don't understand and Hajime...saw Nanami's final moments, Hajime don't be shocked, you just projected that. Enoshima set up an execution to break the rest of us because we all had only one tie.
There was something else. [He pulls away from them both to scrub at his face. Raijin appears, the orange glow catching his attention.]
Colored lights as we were forced to watch in a class trial room.
[ She hears her own voice in her head and immediately she knows what the memory is.
The body burns itself into her mind's eye as she claps a hand to her mouth. She sinks back into the couch -- a few seconds replay in her mind, the girl bathed in blood sinking back to the ground in despair. The world around her disappears. She can barely hear Komaeda's words, but what she hears is enough to fill in the blanks.
Chiaki Nanami was tortured and died at the hands of Junko Enoshima.
Closing her eyes isn't enough, and even manages to make the image worse, more prominent in her mind. At some point, she started crying and didn't even realize it. The turnover feels dull and sick in her stomach. It's a lot to feel at once, for someone who isn't really used to it.
Her whole body glitches -- and again -- before stabilizing, breathing quickly but gripping one each of their knees, willing herself back to the world. Her breathing slows. ]
[ His smile drops immediately after hearing Komaeda's words. So he'd projected that by accident, had he? What he was thinking had bled through, and he didn't even notice. He should have, though. Eyes flicker between red and green, unable to settle for a good short moments before they stay red.
But soon enough, he reaches to place one hand atop Nanami's, the other hand to reach up towards her eyes to wipe any tears that tempt to fall.
Hinata smiles, again, but this time it's more solemn. Melancholic. And yet, he pours affection for her through his hands, a soft, gentle warmth spreading from his fingertips to Nanami's own. ]
She wanted to kill her in order to complete her Despair Video. The mass killings of the student council wasn't enough.
[ He's calm; eerily so. Maybe it's partially because he doesn't want his emotions to bleed through the mask he's wearing. Besides, she's just as sad. She's never met her human counterpart, and yet she feels for her. So Hinata can't show weakness now. He has to bottle it up.
Hinata Hajime will deal with his emotions later. ]
She thought that if she showed Nanami Chiaki - the class representative, and therefore, a symbol of 'hope' for the class - going through obstacles and try to overcome despair and then hopelessly die anyway? She would be able to break everyone, since the only tie that brought everyone together... was Nanami, I'd believe. Though I think that her death was just icing on the cake.
[ He could be wrong. But that's his personal feelings on the matter. ]
That's not the issue here. [He had a feeling that Chiaki wouldn't take any of this well. Not for the reasons Hajime is thinking of either. Until now, she might have thought Enoshima as a friend.] Hajime...don't bottle it up.
[He gently turns Chiaki's face towards his as his magic curves around him. The sorrow, despair, hope, and love dancing in a swirl of wind and rain like he's surrounded by the heart of a small storm.] This is unfortunately what she does. I don't have anything to say to comfort you about the nature of someone like that.
Or what to say to make grief easier to bear. All I can tell you is it's okay to not be alright! I understand you feel betrayed and you were. It's okay to acknowledge that too.
[He brushes away her tears with his thumbs as his vision blurs. He blinks rapidly, keenly aware tears are running down his face.] Would be alright if I taught you something about Dunamis?
I intended to teach you anyway but, I think now is the best time.
[ With shuddering breath, and tears still running down her cheeks, she listens to both of them, and nods. She kisses one, and then the other. The order doesn't really matter.
Her first action after that, though, is to wrap her arms tightly around Hajime, her tears wetting his shoulder. ]
I'm so sorry. [ He's masking things, and Komaeda can tell better than her, but the signs are still there. She squeezes him tightly, as if to remind them both that she's still real, and still alive. ] She-- she never deserved a fraction of that. It's too awful, I can't even say how, Hajime, I--
[ And she had been Hinata's first friend, too. She runs her hand through his hair, gently. ] Would you like a memorial for her? Even if she never comes here... we shouldn't ever forget her, don't you think?
[ Her other arm encircles Komaeda and pulls him close, too. The cuddle restarted, but now a bit shakier from Nanami's side at least. ]
And you, Nagito... to watch that... [ She shakes her head and sighs. ]
I didn't know Enoshima could be so horrible. It just isn't-- isn't fair... [ She swallows.
The tears restart. But in answer to Komaeda's question, she nods. ] Yes. Maybe... maybe now, while I'm-- feeling this much.
[ Komaeda sees right through him. It's a surreal feeling, because he's managed to dig a hole for his emotions to bury themselves in; he was certain that nobody would notice. He hates it when Komaeda's way to perceptive at times. ]
That's... [ His voice cracks, and he closes his eyes, allowing himself to think. But he's also trying his best not to keep himself locked in his own head. If he does that, the frustration and the despair will swallow him whole. The antenna that sits on top of his head drops in response to his dried up emotions. ] Chiaki. You don't have to apologize.
It's not something that you should apologize for.
[ Because, in the end: it's not her fault. It never was. Even though he knows full well that if she showed here, she'd be upset. She'd cry. She'd be happy to be alive, and at the same time be completely devastated at the aftermath. After all, she knew, didn't she? What her death kickstarted.
Nevertheless, he bites down on his lower lip, uneasy. Unsure, uncertain. And he's angry, because he feels like he should yell at Nanami again, for saying that. Does she not remember what they've been through? Even if it was an Enoshima AI, it was a near perfect copy of her.
He feels numb.
What's worse is that he's worried for Sonia. If she remembers this, then... it's going to hurt her just as much as it hurts him. Seeing her die twice, and unable to do anything? It hurts. What's worse for Hinata is that, unlike Sonia, who was trapped due to the hypnotic video that put them in place. He was Kamukura Izuru. He wasn't affected by that video. He could have saved her at any time during her so called "execution".
And all he did was watch.
Disgust twists in his stomach at the thought. He recalls what he wanted to do in regards to the Kamukura Project. How he wanted to tell her, with pride, that he had a talent.
But he couldn't do anything.
Even now, there's nothing he can do. And as he watched her final moments, all that was left of Hinata Hajime, the fragments of his former self, shattered, deep inside of Kamukura.
He wants to understand what Kamukura thought at the time. Did he want to believe in her? Was he interested in her? It's hard to tell. The swelling emotions appear as flowers in the couch - specifically, white daisies, a representation of hope - as he keeps his gaze lowered. He can't look at either of them right now. ]
If... it's okay.
[ His voice is dry with exhaustion and melancholy, and he really doesn't want to speak much, if at all, really. But that's his answer. ]
[He takes Hinata's free hand in his and laces their fingers together. He can always tell when Hinata is kicking himself. It's in the set of his shoulders and the way he avoids eye contact. He squeezes his hand and nods.] I think it's a perfect idea. Sonia will have some ideas...it would be good for all us to add something to it.
[With his thoughts on legacy and memorials it brings him back to memories of a starry sky that had changed how he views life, humans, talent, and all things between. He lets go of Chiaki long enough to draw the petal out of his pocket. The small window reflects the night sky as Mu's calm measured voice speaks again as it does every time he witnesses this window in time
'...the most common example is 'stardust'. But when you look at the stars you can't really call them dust, can you?']
Chiaki. I want you to focus on a memory, something important to you. It can be any sort of emotion at all. [A sense of awe and wonder seeps from the petal. Komaeda's voice breathy and soft floats up.
'...I would sooner call it art, Master. I never thought to look at it this way.'
'I'd think not. You felt apart from it all, didn't you?' He gently slides the memory petal onto her leg as he wraps an arm around her.] Start with what you feel from this petal. This is what we'll base it around.
[He looks up at Hajime as he tugs very lightly on his arm.] Sit with us...ah you can sit on me if you want!
[Hinata needs some sort of anchor and he'll be that for both of them.
'...I...I'm not sure what to say. This is...' 'All things are connected by the flow of life, Komaeda. Even you.']
[ There's a lot for Nanami to focus on - still steeped in her own grief, even with the comfort of the other two surrounding and enveloping her - and on top of that there's the faint wonder she feels coming from the petal, and Komaeda's instruction to pick a memory...
It's a lot at once. But Komaeda's tug on Hinata's arm - and Hinata's subsequent embarrassed reaction - remind her of something, and a small little laugh escapes her despite herself. A time of raining kusamochi, a time when she felt as safe and happy as she ever has.
She squeezes Hajime just a little tighter. ]
All right. [ Still she strokes her hand through Hajime's hair, as much to soothe him as to soothe her, and re-awaken the memory. ]
[ His tone is somewhat flat, although he appreciates the sentiment nevertheless; the meaning behind it kind and gentle. That's what they both are, in the end - kind, gentle souls. People that cared about him, more than anyone else in the world.
But he sighs, smiling at both of them, keeping quiet and calm. ]
You should still sit. [He's urging Hinata but he isn't pushy about it. No point to that.]
Memories are the single most powerful tool in a Dunamis user's arsenal. When you need to focus a specific emotion or generate energy quickly, recalling memories is the best way.
For me, Hope and despair are the most powerful of my emotions. Balance being even stronger yet. For you it is joy and grief. And so on, as the alignments go.
You are correct that generating emotions on our own is difficult but, [He smiles just a little. It's in a slightly distant sort of way. He's looking back at all those people he has met here and stood with. The missing ones.] Memories are the echoes of people important to you at your side. Are they not?
In that way, no one is ever truly alone. Even when you're far away from direct touch, we'll always be with you. And you with us.
I don't know how to balance joy and grief... That must take such control. [ She laughs sadly at the slight absurdity of juggling such disparate emotions. Even now, she's crystalizing every moment of their huddled existence in her mind, remembering it. Maybe she can use it later. The grief still feels somewhat overwhelming, but every so often joy from the kusamochi memory peeks into her mind as well, the smell of the treat wafting through the room. ]
Mm... I guess I can't really think of grief without thinking of someone... and my happiest moments are with my friends, too.
[ Her strength is in her bonds. But now that's been literalized, with her emotion magic, at least somewhat. She doesn't know how to get physically closer to them, so there's a small surge of emotion and light that emanates from her, bathing them in warmth and comfort.
Magic is a way of being with her friends at all times, even when she isn't. The fact that it hurts her heart a little to be with and without her friends at once... maybe she can use that, too. She nods to Komaeda. ]
I think I see. But... I'm still going to spend as much time with you all as I can, you know. While we still have it.
[ A cold bitter air fills the room at Nanami's words. His expression turns hollow and his eyes burn a bright scarlet. It doesn't shift back to its normal color, and he can't even bring himself to even look at her. At either of them.
But then he realizes how cruel he made it sound, darkness nearly enveloping his heart. In this world, it physically manifests as a shadowy aura that flickers for a few seconds before glitching into white and fading away. ]
"While we still have it..."
[ Disgust sets in his soft tone, scrunching his face as lips press together. It hurts just to hear that, and it causes his chest to twist in agony, despair nearly settling in but is soon replaced with something else entirely different. A hollow emptiness. Of course, he might be completely misinterpreting her words, overthinking them, but his minds winds back to those memories yet again, as if he'd gone back in time. ]
It's like you're saying you're--
[ His mouth works the words in his mouth that he tries to say, but nothing comes out, completely stuck in his throat.
"I'm just a part of the game... but you guys aren't, right?"
No.
"...Hey, you don't want that either, right? I mean, if we lose our memories, there won't be a single trace of your existence left. You're going to completely disappear... and none of us will ever remember you..."
But the Nanami in his memories, she said... ]
Don't say that like you're going to disappear [ again ] some day.
[ His voice is abnormally quiet and he can't help but place his hands on his lap, fingers curling into a tight fist, nails digging into the skin, cutting into it. ]
[It's difficult to say what he would have done if Hinata hadn't reacted. In his mind's eye he can see those that aren't with them in the city anymore. He turns to Hinata, covering his fists as his voice drops low.]
We're right here. No one is going anywhere.
[His chest aches. The idea of losing everything hangs suspended in his mind. It would be his luck to have it all and lose it. Could he survive that? Of course he could. He knows it but he doesn't want to. For a second it's there, the shadow of his darker self with coils of smoke and darkness but he draws back, pulling it back inside.
A moment passes before he says in as soft a voice as he can manage yet still be heard.] ...it's not about control. That's not what balance is.
[He lets go of one of Hinata's fist and picks the petal back up. He stares into the starry sky within the memory and feels it carry his mind somewhere else. Back to the cool night where the breeze pulled at his hair. His master, then a teacher had pointed to the heavens after he'd said something wrong as usual.]
Mmm, it's complicated. I wasn't sure how to put it into words but I'll try. ...Just like the starry sky here we all have hundreds of components that make up the self. In this world our lives give off energy...magic. It makes us more aware of ourselves as individuals even the parts of us normally hidden from our own eyes.
[Mu's voice is a soothing and familiar comfort from hours of learning to tame his emotions and bring the energy they give off under his will. So he couldn't hurt anyone. He'll forever be grateful that if he had lost it, Aries Mu would have stopped him. This world is just too precious to him to lose.]
No one likes what they see in the mirror. Our fear pushes us to impose control over it and to subjugate what we see. It will feel like victory but...hahaha, we already know what happens if someone pushes just the right way! You have to let yourself feel everything without being lost to it. Finding balance is overcoming the idea that some of what we feel is bad. There's no good or evil, there's just you.
When you grasp the magic given off by your own body you're only grasping your own life. Like someone drawing a sword except that's the ultimate expression of who you are shaped by your hand. I know, it gets complicated when you think like that.
[He sets the petal back on Nanami's leg and rests his hands on his lap. After earlier when he raged at the rock and the earth, he can still feel how his magic had snapped around him like lightning.]
[ She's horrified at her thoughtlessness, at the reaction it creates in Hinata. That was the very fear that she had drawn him away from, all that time ago, wasn't it? And now she had moved him back towards it.
Komaeda speaks before she can, even though she whispers to Hinata in his mind, apologetically and comfortingly, I'm here, I'm here... She doesn't let go of his hand, squeezing it so it almost hurts her, to remind them both of her reality.
Her borrowed time, she's conscious of. But to remind Hinata about that, she regrets.
Luckily-- Komaeda's further explanation unlocks something in her mind. It's slow, then all at once. Maybe it's how Komaeda spoke about stars, or maybe it's his earlier words about being with the people you love even when you weren't there physically. Or maybe it's Hinata's hand squeezed in hers, their emotions spilling into each other, that unlocks the door. But she looks at Komaeda with -- almost shock, that she can visualize what he's saying, at least to some degree. ]
Single player co-op. Right?
[ Obviously that's not all of what Komaeda's talking about. But she's piecing it together in her mind. ] You use memories... your bonds... with Dunamis. That's what it is. Isn't it?
[ Her words don't comfort him, surprisingly enough, and he can't help but jerk his hand away -- but he's not sure if it's out of fear or out of frustration. Maybe he just thinks that, in a way it's unfair, really, but he doesn't voice that thought. While she's real and here, the reassurance, to him, is hollow.
Because what she's doing is just simply this: telling him what he wants to hear. Not what he needs to.
Perhaps it's the pieces of Kamukura that allow him to see the world like this - his analysis of it all. The idea causes him to deflate, his eyes narrowing before he can feel time slowing down for him. It's not that time has truly slowed down, it's just that his perception of it all is different.
Stop. His voice is angry in Nanami's head as a reply, but at the same time, there's a piercing sadness that comes in waves that you can almost taste the ocean water.
He then looks at Komaeda, but the expression that is written in Hinata's eyes isn't one that belongs to the ordinary him. But he should already recognize the person that manifests through those blood red eyes of his, shouldn't he? He's seen it so many times before. His fists unclench, but the marks are still there. He's bleeding, as he forcibly cut himself, but he ignores the pain altogether. It's unimportant. ]
It's okay. [ His words are empty and devoid of life -- the area he sits on begins to die out, aging quickly to the point where it cracks and nearly breaks. But only nearly. ] When I was learning how to utilize Dunamis, I had to learn about myself from the very beginning. While memories and bonds can make up pieces of the puzzle, you have to understand yourself. If you don't do that, then those memories and bonds won't mean anything in the long run, I've felt. You can understand others, but if you don't understand yourself it won't help you. ... Right?
I use my everything. Hajime is right. [This is rapidly spiralling down the drain and the worst part is part of him wants to help it along. Make it worse. Seek out the despair.
He gets up. Dark shadows are curling around his arms and he can feel the weight of the chain. No.]
I need to...go. I'm starting to feel the effects of that bit of memory.
[He isn't safe and there's only one person he can turn to about it. His master. Best to work this out now. He walks away as the shadows grow deeper, forming the black back jacket and jeans.]
[ He's quiet and just stands up and heads towards the door; his voice is devoid of all emotion. At this point he's going to lose it if he stays here any longer, and he just can't. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-09-16 04:02 pm (UTC)[ And if she did, those thoughts are pushed aside as the scent of turnovers reaches her nose. She steps towards the door. ] Mmm.... they smell really good.
[ There's still some concern radiating from her as she looks them over, almost on her toes. Komaeda hadn't sounded so good in her head a few minutes ago. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-16 04:22 pm (UTC)I find a schedule helps. But both of you accuse me of being a workaholic! Anyway, both of you should eat.
[He kisses her forehead and let's go of her to drop into a near by chair. It takes very little to liberate a couple turnovers from the bag. They're the warm savory turnovers of various ingredients but all of them pleasing. The first one isn't his favorite pairings. His shoulders relax.] Don't worry about me. I'll have to wolf down a lot of food later but I'm fine.
[Using Dunamis requires energy and when he heals he has to use a lot. That means getting that energy back. All three of them are teenagers and that means if someone let him, he'd clear out a market stall and get halfway through the next one.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-16 04:34 pm (UTC)She holds there for several seconds, reluctant to let go, but she finally does, going back to the kitchen for the tea tray and bringing it out to the living room, where she sets it on the table. ] I've been trying to... Sonia-san and I usually eat breakfast together.
[ She frowns as she sits next to Nagito. ] But I got up early to practice... what time is it? [ She reaches for a turnover and takes a large bite of it, making a little contented sound as the taste hits her tongue, her eyes tearing up a bit at the heat. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-16 04:42 pm (UTC)How has your practice been going? [As a rule, he keeps a sharp eye on their class efforts on Dunamis and what skills are being learned. Mu has hammered that into his head. He had had the instincts for it before but the training and talk of why has been important.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-16 04:51 pm (UTC)[ Her eyes flick from Nagito to Hajime, curious -- but rather than ask an explicit question, she just snuggles against both of them, pulling Hajime close enough on the couch to do so if he isn't already. ]
major dr3 spoilers holy shit baloney who let me rp
Date: 2016-09-17 06:37 am (UTC)Komaeda knows what he feels. He's spoken about it. He knows full well that he needs to tell her, too. But the fear seeps into his heart and almost manifests as cracks, but he stops himself. He can't do this right now.
Not in front of her. ]
... [ He wants to retort in regards to the whole "hard to do by yourself" in regards to feeling things, but he immediately speaks up, quiet, solemn: ] You just need to get into your own head more, Nanami.
[ Ah. His first mistake. He immediately regrets it, but doesn't take it back. While internally, he knows what's going on in his head, he doesn't show it at all externally. His poker face is perfect. He knows that. And it helps that he can control his emotional reactions now. Otherwise they would see the darkness manifest once again.
And while it's so comfortable to be snuggled up like this, it's a grave reminder of the things from the past.
His memories.
Memories only he has. Neither of them have it. Neither of them have seen it. It's his, and his alone. He can still hear the words echo in his head, completely unaware that the voices that speak in his memories is also being projected to the two of them.
"Yeah... I'm done for. I won't... be able to help you. I'm... sorry."
"Even in your situation, you would still try to protect someone?"
"Because I love... everyone. No... I don't want to die! I... I still have things I want to do. I wanted... to stay classmates with everyone! One... one more time... I wanted... to play video games... with you, Hinata-kun." ]
At least you're learning, though. [ Even with those thoughts and memories, painful as they are, he manages to smile through them. He's keeping his emotions locked up inside of him, wearing a mask that's glued onto his face, unaware that they might have heard his memory. Perhaps even saw it, too. ] That's good.
welp dr3 spoilers
Date: 2016-09-17 07:03 am (UTC)Memories are the easiest way to generate emotions. At first to attune to yourself and what you feel, memory petals might be of assistance!
[He keeps his eyes on Chiaki before he finally says.]
I remembered how the fall to despair started...maybe where it set in. It...there is a lot of it I don't understand and Hajime...saw Nanami's final moments, Hajime don't be shocked, you just projected that. Enoshima set up an execution to break the rest of us because we all had only one tie.
There was something else. [He pulls away from them both to scrub at his face. Raijin appears, the orange glow catching his attention.]
Colored lights as we were forced to watch in a class trial room.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-17 10:43 pm (UTC)The body burns itself into her mind's eye as she claps a hand to her mouth. She sinks back into the couch -- a few seconds replay in her mind, the girl bathed in blood sinking back to the ground in despair. The world around her disappears. She can barely hear Komaeda's words, but what she hears is enough to fill in the blanks.
Chiaki Nanami was tortured and died at the hands of Junko Enoshima.
Closing her eyes isn't enough, and even manages to make the image worse, more prominent in her mind. At some point, she started crying and didn't even realize it. The turnover feels dull and sick in her stomach. It's a lot to feel at once, for someone who isn't really used to it.
Her whole body glitches -- and again -- before stabilizing, breathing quickly but gripping one each of their knees, willing herself back to the world. Her breathing slows. ]
How... could she?
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Date: 2016-09-17 11:06 pm (UTC)[ His smile drops immediately after hearing Komaeda's words. So he'd projected that by accident, had he? What he was thinking had bled through, and he didn't even notice. He should have, though. Eyes flicker between red and green, unable to settle for a good short moments before they stay red.
But soon enough, he reaches to place one hand atop Nanami's, the other hand to reach up towards her eyes to wipe any tears that tempt to fall.
Hinata smiles, again, but this time it's more solemn. Melancholic. And yet, he pours affection for her through his hands, a soft, gentle warmth spreading from his fingertips to Nanami's own. ]
She wanted to kill her in order to complete her Despair Video. The mass killings of the student council wasn't enough.
[ He's calm; eerily so. Maybe it's partially because he doesn't want his emotions to bleed through the mask he's wearing. Besides, she's just as sad. She's never met her human counterpart, and yet she feels for her. So Hinata can't show weakness now. He has to bottle it up.
Hinata Hajime will deal with his emotions later. ]
She thought that if she showed Nanami Chiaki - the class representative, and therefore, a symbol of 'hope' for the class - going through obstacles and try to overcome despair and then hopelessly die anyway? She would be able to break everyone, since the only tie that brought everyone together... was Nanami, I'd believe. Though I think that her death was just icing on the cake.
[ He could be wrong. But that's his personal feelings on the matter. ]
It's okay now, though. You're here. You're alive. I won't lose you.
[ And as if to accentuate that, he kisses her on the cheek. ]
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Date: 2016-09-18 12:05 am (UTC)[He gently turns Chiaki's face towards his as his magic curves around him. The sorrow, despair, hope, and love dancing in a swirl of wind and rain like he's surrounded by the heart of a small storm.] This is unfortunately what she does. I don't have anything to say to comfort you about the nature of someone like that.
Or what to say to make grief easier to bear. All I can tell you is it's okay to not be alright! I understand you feel betrayed and you were. It's okay to acknowledge that too.
[He brushes away her tears with his thumbs as his vision blurs. He blinks rapidly, keenly aware tears are running down his face.] Would be alright if I taught you something about Dunamis?
I intended to teach you anyway but, I think now is the best time.
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Date: 2016-09-18 12:49 am (UTC)Her first action after that, though, is to wrap her arms tightly around Hajime, her tears wetting his shoulder. ]
I'm so sorry. [ He's masking things, and Komaeda can tell better than her, but the signs are still there. She squeezes him tightly, as if to remind them both that she's still real, and still alive. ] She-- she never deserved a fraction of that. It's too awful, I can't even say how, Hajime, I--
[ And she had been Hinata's first friend, too. She runs her hand through his hair, gently. ] Would you like a memorial for her? Even if she never comes here... we shouldn't ever forget her, don't you think?
[ Her other arm encircles Komaeda and pulls him close, too. The cuddle restarted, but now a bit shakier from Nanami's side at least. ]
And you, Nagito... to watch that... [ She shakes her head and sighs. ]
I didn't know Enoshima could be so horrible. It just isn't-- isn't fair... [ She swallows.
The tears restart. But in answer to Komaeda's question, she nods. ] Yes. Maybe... maybe now, while I'm-- feeling this much.
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Date: 2016-09-18 03:35 pm (UTC)That's... [ His voice cracks, and he closes his eyes, allowing himself to think. But he's also trying his best not to keep himself locked in his own head. If he does that, the frustration and the despair will swallow him whole. The antenna that sits on top of his head drops in response to his dried up emotions. ] Chiaki. You don't have to apologize.
It's not something that you should apologize for.
[ Because, in the end: it's not her fault. It never was. Even though he knows full well that if she showed here, she'd be upset. She'd cry. She'd be happy to be alive, and at the same time be completely devastated at the aftermath. After all, she knew, didn't she? What her death kickstarted.
Nevertheless, he bites down on his lower lip, uneasy. Unsure, uncertain. And he's angry, because he feels like he should yell at Nanami again, for saying that. Does she not remember what they've been through? Even if it was an Enoshima AI, it was a near perfect copy of her.
He feels numb.
What's worse is that he's worried for Sonia. If she remembers this, then... it's going to hurt her just as much as it hurts him. Seeing her die twice, and unable to do anything? It hurts. What's worse for Hinata is that, unlike Sonia, who was trapped due to the hypnotic video that put them in place. He was Kamukura Izuru. He wasn't affected by that video. He could have saved her at any time during her so called "execution".
And all he did was watch.
Disgust twists in his stomach at the thought. He recalls what he wanted to do in regards to the Kamukura Project. How he wanted to tell her, with pride, that he had a talent.
But he couldn't do anything.
Even now, there's nothing he can do. And as he watched her final moments, all that was left of Hinata Hajime, the fragments of his former self, shattered, deep inside of Kamukura.
He wants to understand what Kamukura thought at the time. Did he want to believe in her? Was he interested in her? It's hard to tell. The swelling emotions appear as flowers in the couch - specifically, white daisies, a representation of hope - as he keeps his gaze lowered. He can't look at either of them right now. ]
If... it's okay.
[ His voice is dry with exhaustion and melancholy, and he really doesn't want to speak much, if at all, really. But that's his answer. ]
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Date: 2016-09-18 04:39 pm (UTC)[With his thoughts on legacy and memorials it brings him back to memories of a starry sky that had changed how he views life, humans, talent, and all things between. He lets go of Chiaki long enough to draw the petal out of his pocket. The small window reflects the night sky as Mu's calm measured voice speaks again as it does every time he witnesses this window in time
'...the most common example is 'stardust'. But when you look at the stars you can't really call them dust, can you?']
Chiaki. I want you to focus on a memory, something important to you. It can be any sort of emotion at all. [A sense of awe and wonder seeps from the petal. Komaeda's voice breathy and soft floats up.
'...I would sooner call it art, Master. I never thought to look at it this way.'
'I'd think not. You felt apart from it all, didn't you?' He gently slides the memory petal onto her leg as he wraps an arm around her.] Start with what you feel from this petal. This is what we'll base it around.
[He looks up at Hajime as he tugs very lightly on his arm.] Sit with us...ah you can sit on me if you want!
[Hinata needs some sort of anchor and he'll be that for both of them.
'...I...I'm not sure what to say. This is...' 'All things are connected by the flow of life, Komaeda. Even you.']
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Date: 2016-09-18 05:16 pm (UTC)It's a lot at once. But Komaeda's tug on Hinata's arm - and Hinata's subsequent embarrassed reaction - remind her of something, and a small little laugh escapes her despite herself. A time of raining kusamochi, a time when she felt as safe and happy as she ever has.
She squeezes Hajime just a little tighter. ]
All right. [ Still she strokes her hand through Hajime's hair, as much to soothe him as to soothe her, and re-awaken the memory. ]
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Date: 2016-09-20 04:33 am (UTC)[ His tone is somewhat flat, although he appreciates the sentiment nevertheless; the meaning behind it kind and gentle. That's what they both are, in the end - kind, gentle souls. People that cared about him, more than anyone else in the world.
But he sighs, smiling at both of them, keeping quiet and calm. ]
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Date: 2016-09-20 06:20 am (UTC)Memories are the single most powerful tool in a Dunamis user's arsenal. When you need to focus a specific emotion or generate energy quickly, recalling memories is the best way.
For me, Hope and despair are the most powerful of my emotions. Balance being even stronger yet. For you it is joy and grief. And so on, as the alignments go.
You are correct that generating emotions on our own is difficult but, [He smiles just a little. It's in a slightly distant sort of way. He's looking back at all those people he has met here and stood with. The missing ones.] Memories are the echoes of people important to you at your side. Are they not?
In that way, no one is ever truly alone. Even when you're far away from direct touch, we'll always be with you. And you with us.
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Date: 2016-09-21 09:44 pm (UTC)Mm... I guess I can't really think of grief without thinking of someone... and my happiest moments are with my friends, too.
[ Her strength is in her bonds. But now that's been literalized, with her emotion magic, at least somewhat. She doesn't know how to get physically closer to them, so there's a small surge of emotion and light that emanates from her, bathing them in warmth and comfort.
Magic is a way of being with her friends at all times, even when she isn't. The fact that it hurts her heart a little to be with and without her friends at once... maybe she can use that, too. She nods to Komaeda. ]
I think I see. But... I'm still going to spend as much time with you all as I can, you know. While we still have it.
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Date: 2016-09-21 10:24 pm (UTC)[ A cold bitter air fills the room at Nanami's words. His expression turns hollow and his eyes burn a bright scarlet. It doesn't shift back to its normal color, and he can't even bring himself to even look at her. At either of them.
But then he realizes how cruel he made it sound, darkness nearly enveloping his heart. In this world, it physically manifests as a shadowy aura that flickers for a few seconds before glitching into white and fading away. ]
"While we still have it..."
[ Disgust sets in his soft tone, scrunching his face as lips press together. It hurts just to hear that, and it causes his chest to twist in agony, despair nearly settling in but is soon replaced with something else entirely different. A hollow emptiness. Of course, he might be completely misinterpreting her words, overthinking them, but his minds winds back to those memories yet again, as if he'd gone back in time. ]
It's like you're saying you're--
[ His mouth works the words in his mouth that he tries to say, but nothing comes out, completely stuck in his throat.
"I'm just a part of the game... but you guys aren't, right?"
No.
"...Hey, you don't want that either, right? I mean, if we lose our memories, there won't be a single trace of your existence left. You're going to completely disappear... and none of us will ever remember you..."
But the Nanami in his memories, she said... ]
Don't say that like you're going to disappear [ again ] some day.
[ His voice is abnormally quiet and he can't help but place his hands on his lap, fingers curling into a tight fist, nails digging into the skin, cutting into it. ]
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Date: 2016-09-22 12:58 am (UTC)We're right here. No one is going anywhere.
[His chest aches. The idea of losing everything hangs suspended in his mind. It would be his luck to have it all and lose it. Could he survive that? Of course he could. He knows it but he doesn't want to. For a second it's there, the shadow of his darker self with coils of smoke and darkness but he draws back, pulling it back inside.
A moment passes before he says in as soft a voice as he can manage yet still be heard.] ...it's not about control. That's not what balance is.
[He lets go of one of Hinata's fist and picks the petal back up. He stares into the starry sky within the memory and feels it carry his mind somewhere else. Back to the cool night where the breeze pulled at his hair. His master, then a teacher had pointed to the heavens after he'd said something wrong as usual.]
Mmm, it's complicated. I wasn't sure how to put it into words but I'll try. ...Just like the starry sky here we all have hundreds of components that make up the self. In this world our lives give off energy...magic. It makes us more aware of ourselves as individuals even the parts of us normally hidden from our own eyes.
[Mu's voice is a soothing and familiar comfort from hours of learning to tame his emotions and bring the energy they give off under his will. So he couldn't hurt anyone. He'll forever be grateful that if he had lost it, Aries Mu would have stopped him. This world is just too precious to him to lose.]
No one likes what they see in the mirror. Our fear pushes us to impose control over it and to subjugate what we see. It will feel like victory but...hahaha, we already know what happens if someone pushes just the right way! You have to let yourself feel everything without being lost to it. Finding balance is overcoming the idea that some of what we feel is bad. There's no good or evil, there's just you.
When you grasp the magic given off by your own body you're only grasping your own life. Like someone drawing a sword except that's the ultimate expression of who you are shaped by your hand. I know, it gets complicated when you think like that.
[He sets the petal back on Nanami's leg and rests his hands on his lap. After earlier when he raged at the rock and the earth, he can still feel how his magic had snapped around him like lightning.]
How you win, that's different for everyone.
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Date: 2016-09-22 01:53 am (UTC)[ She's horrified at her thoughtlessness, at the reaction it creates in Hinata. That was the very fear that she had drawn him away from, all that time ago, wasn't it? And now she had moved him back towards it.
Komaeda speaks before she can, even though she whispers to Hinata in his mind, apologetically and comfortingly, I'm here, I'm here... She doesn't let go of his hand, squeezing it so it almost hurts her, to remind them both of her reality.
Her borrowed time, she's conscious of. But to remind Hinata about that, she regrets.
Luckily-- Komaeda's further explanation unlocks something in her mind. It's slow, then all at once. Maybe it's how Komaeda spoke about stars, or maybe it's his earlier words about being with the people you love even when you weren't there physically. Or maybe it's Hinata's hand squeezed in hers, their emotions spilling into each other, that unlocks the door. But she looks at Komaeda with -- almost shock, that she can visualize what he's saying, at least to some degree. ]
Single player co-op. Right?
[ Obviously that's not all of what Komaeda's talking about. But she's piecing it together in her mind. ] You use memories... your bonds... with Dunamis. That's what it is. Isn't it?
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Date: 2016-09-22 02:41 am (UTC)Because what she's doing is just simply this: telling him what he wants to hear. Not what he needs to.
Perhaps it's the pieces of Kamukura that allow him to see the world like this - his analysis of it all. The idea causes him to deflate, his eyes narrowing before he can feel time slowing down for him. It's not that time has truly slowed down, it's just that his perception of it all is different.
Stop. His voice is angry in Nanami's head as a reply, but at the same time, there's a piercing sadness that comes in waves that you can almost taste the ocean water.
He then looks at Komaeda, but the expression that is written in Hinata's eyes isn't one that belongs to the ordinary him. But he should already recognize the person that manifests through those blood red eyes of his, shouldn't he? He's seen it so many times before. His fists unclench, but the marks are still there. He's bleeding, as he forcibly cut himself, but he ignores the pain altogether. It's unimportant. ]
It's okay. [ His words are empty and devoid of life -- the area he sits on begins to die out, aging quickly to the point where it cracks and nearly breaks. But only nearly. ] When I was learning how to utilize Dunamis, I had to learn about myself from the very beginning. While memories and bonds can make up pieces of the puzzle, you have to understand yourself. If you don't do that, then those memories and bonds won't mean anything in the long run, I've felt. You can understand others, but if you don't understand yourself it won't help you. ... Right?
Dr3 spoilers
Date: 2016-09-22 03:28 am (UTC)He gets up. Dark shadows are curling around his arms and he can feel the weight of the chain. No.]
I need to...go. I'm starting to feel the effects of that bit of memory.
[He isn't safe and there's only one person he can turn to about it. His master. Best to work this out now. He walks away as the shadows grow deeper, forming the black back jacket and jeans.]
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Date: 2016-09-22 04:31 am (UTC)[ He's quiet and just stands up and heads towards the door; his voice is devoid of all emotion. At this point he's going to lose it if he stays here any longer, and he just can't. ]
Don't... message me.
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Date: 2016-09-22 06:08 am (UTC)[ The door closes after him, and they're both gone. A bewildered Nanami sits alone on the couch, staring after them, words dying in her throat. ]