[ She's waited long enough. Frankly, she's surprised she was able to wait this long. And as she had almost expected, Sonia's new memory has eaten away at her. She feels almost like she was out of sync with the universe.
The problem is, as hard as this is on her, she doesn't want to have this conversation. She's scared of the results, frankly. (Though not for her own sake.)
But she has to ask.
When she arrives at Komaeda's, she overcompensates, smiling a bit brighter than usual-- and with how he looks, splayed out like that, it honestly isn't that hard.
But on closer inspection -- particularly in her hair, where the textures are more complex -- there's something a little off about her. Like she's not being fully rendered, or textures are popping in, or the resolution on her is just a little less than it should be.
As usual, she's brought lunch, and she passes him a bento box. She's learning how to make slightly more complicated things, so today it's noodles with soup and things. She sits next to him, not quite sure where to start, her own box still untouched. ]
How... are they? [ The news. Start with that. It was tangential to what she really wanted to know, at least. For once, she doesn't really feel like being direct. Not right away. ]
Before we get into that there's something we need to talk about. [He takes the box from her hands and turns fully to face her. There's something off about her features and he can't puzzle that out. He'll ask about it after he tells her...]
I told you I was beginning to remember things. But I never said what exactly it was. ...I'm remembering my years in school. Ah, I guess you could call them...the eve before we became Despair.
Between this mind of mine that's feeling so much and so aware I sometimes need peace...to not seeing anything but my own designs, [He drops his eyes, staring at the ground. It seems easier.]
I couldn't talk to anyone about it save, Hajime. Ha, I wasn't sure what to say about it to you. I know you wouldn't judge me for it but...it feels shameful. Like I'm not worthy of you to be so... But, I knew I had to tell you. When ahaha, I was ready. [He raises his head, raking his hair out of his face to look her in the eye.] I got suspended.
When it's very likely, I should have been expelled for...what I did. Sorry for...taking so long to tell you. Mm, I have more memories but...that's the one that bothered me the most. Since...when I did something like that last time...
[His eyes slide away from hers. Thick black chains wind around his his wrists, and the ghost of his Despairing self enfolds over the present. Last time, he set up his own murder.]
[ She takes his wrist -- not hard, but firmly. Her fingers brush up -- throughagainst the chains and shackles, and she holds those too. It's all him. ]
I came here to ask you that.
[ She says it quietly and she can't look at him. Those chains... she wants to really, really make sure he's okay. She rubs his wrist, almost massaging it. She can feel his beating pulse, so human and warm to contrast that cold metal. ]
Sonia-san remembered, a-- a few days ago. [ She shivers. The memory hasn't gotten any weaker. ]
Everyone was there. The entire class, the teacher... [ me ]
But you and Hajime. You were gone. And I didn't know how to ask you why. I guess I still didn't.
[ She'd lost her chance before she'd told him, hadn't she? She leans back against the bench, now intertwining her fingers together, a sad little confused smile playing across her face. (It's probably a smile.) ]
Ah... we still don't know how to talk to each other, any of us... it's a process, isn't it? Just like anything else...
But Nagito-kun... did you really think for a moment that I would think you're unworthy? How could I?
...Hajime, as far as I know. Was off becoming...Kamukura. I don't actually know what happened past I was suspended. I haven't remembered that far. [The entire...his grey eyes widen as he squeezes her fingers.
He hasn't answered her about the idea of him being unworthy. No, that got kicked out of his mind because now he has to ask her.
Komaeda looks at her face as he asks.] ...the entire class. All of class 77.
[His eyes lock on her arm. Yes. She knows. For a moment he doesn't say anything. Then he gently takes her other hand in his and looks directly into her eyes.] Did I ever tell you about the Two Millias here?
Ah, and my friend Silver. Another version of him arrived and was here for a while.
[ She shakes her head. But as always, she expects that he's leading up to something. So she remains quiet in order to listen, and let his words wash over her. Her grip doesn't loosen. ]
Millia and the other Millia are essentially the same person. But, because of their experiences being different...they're not the same. Think of it like two different roads.
One version of you walks down this path, and the other walks down the one you didn't take. At your core you possess the same qualities. But who you met, who bonded with you, and how you shaped yourself is different.
It doesn't make either less important. They're just different and how others respond to them is different because of that. [He gently draws her hands close to him and dips his head, brushing his lips over her knuckles.] Chiaki, not matter who she was.
You're you. [He looks up into her eyes and purposefully speaks in his native language. Making sure to use the strongest form of love he can, to say...] And I love you for who you are.
[ She listens quietly during his story, a thousand contradictions flowing through her mind. But his words slowly move her. Especially when he gets to the end. ]
Oh, Nagito... [ She leans forward and kisses his forehead, slipping into their language as he does, just for a moment. ] I love you too.
[ She'd cried out a lot of her worries earlier in the week. Ironically, since she had done that, she was having a hard time putting them back together in her mind. One piece at a time -- and she strokes his hand as she does, another piece of anchoring, and closes her eyes softly to remember. ]
I can still see her. Of all of them, I think she's the happiest. I- she must have done really well. Sonia said she brought you all together.
[ Her eyes open slowly to look back at the real him. They are two people to whom that memory does not belong. ] Mm... it's something for me to look up to.
[ Again she finds herself grasping for words. Some of the ideas flow back to him before they're vocalized, though. ]
I'm... glad you're telling me. I know that it's been bothering you, and Hinata-kun too-- especially him... but it's hard for me to know how to help.
I didn't know exactly how to bring it up. Especially when it isn't exactly my...right to do so. [The chains fade as he sighs and urges her close. He sets the bento boxes aside and slides his fingers into her hair. It's like silk and he marvels at being allowed this one touch all over again.]
I was part of the class but, mm. [He shakes his head slowly. Nanami makes him feel like he belongs somewhere. As he leans down, touching his forehead to hers, his fingers return to grasping hers.
His chest feels warm.] I wouldn't be so quick to consider her something to look up to. Just different.
Don't live in anyone's shadow. Ahhaha, take it from...someone who had the whole of the school as above him. It doesn't lead to good places. ...and anything you want to say, to vent or just talk about when it comes to this.
[Komaeda draws back enough to let go of her hands and peer into her eyes as he covers one of her hands in both of his.] I'm here.
[ She nestles close to him, with faint relief as the chains disappear and he's himself again. Seeing him in chains always worries her a little. Even if it's still him.
By contrast, his touch is softer than anything she's ever felt, and she shivers a little with happiness as he touches her. ]
Ah... but a little inspiration is good sometimes, isn't it? As long as you believe in yourself, too... you all inspired me on the island, and now here... you've accomplished so much, before I could even get here.
[ She squeezes his hands, taking them in both of hers. And she really wants to be close to him, so she shuffles closer, pressing her forehead against his shoulder. ]
Mm... I could be a literal shadow. But I don't think that's really what's going on, is it? I guess it's kind of hard to say.
But... I do want things. I want to know more about her, too. I think that's important, to know who she is.
[To his credit, Komaeda's expression doesn't change. He casts a glance at the stars over their heads. Hinata hadn't said not to tell her he knew if she came to him with this knowledge. ...but he could soften the blow and maybe make whatever conversation about it to happen...a little better.]
I think that's reasonable to assume. ...This hasn't been easy on him. Hajime...has been really worried about what this means and what it would do to you. [Hinata had been protecting her even as he agonized over what the memories might mean. That has to account for something.]
Would Hinata-kun keep something like that without a good reason? [ She shakes her head. ] I know him, Nagito, I think. A little more every day... and when I don't, I believe in him.
This is so much... I haven't been affected, but all of you have been remembering things, and him in particular... it must be painful.
[ A little sigh as she leans back into him. ] If anything, I'm relieved. I want to take this journey with both of you.
[He lets go of her hands to wrap one arm around her and put his other hand behind him. It's gone a lot better than he feared. But that always seems to be the case.]
And so you shall. You need to talk to him of course but, I believe it will all be alright. After all, I believe in both of you and the bonds between us.
That's...the torch that keeps the hope inside me so brillant and strong. Ahaha, well it births other feelings but you know what I mean! [With the bento boxes out of the way he sags, and leans back with a glint in his eye.]
Ah, it's so heart warming I could melt. [He slips further back, seemingly boneless while tightening his arm around her. No escape.]
[ She wouldn't ever want to. She snuggles deeper into him, deep enough to breathe in his scent and hear his beating heart. ] Sometimes I think you might. [ She can tease, just a little. ]
I think I'm learning about different kinds of love. There's love that makes me happy, and love that makes me afraid. All from two people. [ She looks up at him. ]
What's there to be sorry about? [He slides the rest of the way, sprawling on the hardwood porch. Love that makes you afraid? Komaeda sobers. His brows come together as he rubs her back in slow soothing circles.]
All emotions have nuances. [His voice is soft, like it always is when his mind is far away. No one has ever loved him as much as Nanami and Hinata. He fears for them everyday. Even if he would rip apart mountains just to get to them.]
There's also...love that makes you feel brave. I made Hajime a promise. I'll make a similiar one to you. [He shifts, propping himself up on one elbow as he peers into her eyes.]
You will never be alone. I'll be here, no matter what happens. And even if I'm not physically around you. [His free hand settles just over her heart.] I'll be with you here, Chiaki.
In your hopes, in love, in everything you can imagine! Because I love you and I'll do everything I can to keep you safe. It's not home without both of you.
[ It's a touching promise, and a slightly familiar one. She promised to be in the hearts of Hajime and all of his friends, when they left the New World Program, or so she's learned.
She takes his hand again -- she can never seem to lose her contact with him for long. ] I think so too. So... I want to make a promise to you, too. But something a little different.
[ A lean forward to touch his forehead, a gentle kiss to his soft lips, a pull back just enough to look into his eyes, let him know she's serious. ] For as long as we are physically together, in the same world, I'm going to live with you to the best of my abilities. I want to share everything, I want to give you more than just my memory. I want to give you me.
Chiaki...I'll give my everything to you. [His whispers against her lips just before he kisses her. It feels like his heart is dancing in his chest. If he can protect her and Hajime, protect all of his friends and this world.
This is what fuels the blaze of hope in his chest. He'd gladly let them mess him up and use him up. Her or Hajime could even tie him up and he wouldn't mind it. He draws back from her lips to nuzzle her cheek with his.]
It's terrifying in a way, just how happy you make me. Ha, but I like it! No. I love how you make me feel!
Ha... me too...! [ His giddy laughter is almost infectious. She nuzzles him back, kissing his cheek gently. What state are the two of them in... it feels beyond the love and happiness they were feeling moments ago. Like it transcends that somehow.
But she catches his hand and tries to regulate her breathing as she looks at him, even as her heart flutters. They're so close to losing themselves, and she can feel it. ] Hey, let's... explore all these strange feelings together, all right? Don't leave me behind...
[ But as long as he doesn't... she'd go through all of it and more with him. She'd jump off a cliff from sheer happiness, just to see if she could fly. ]
Of course we'll explore this together. That's part of a relationship! We share how we feel, [He sighs, purely content as he lays with her on the porch. Crickets crisp in the grass as a cool breeze stirs the trees in the yard beyond their happy little space.
Komaeda tangles his fingers in her hair as he murmurs softly.]
Whatever happens, as we as individuals grow...I'll walk this road together with you both.
[ She nods and burrows into him, content. Their conversations always seem to end up this way -- the two of them cuddled close for comfort, quietly slipping into happy silence. She's just so glad to be there with him, with some of that gratitude flowing into his mind -- just so he knows. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 04:11 am (UTC)The problem is, as hard as this is on her, she doesn't want to have this conversation. She's scared of the results, frankly. (Though not for her own sake.)
But she has to ask.
When she arrives at Komaeda's, she overcompensates, smiling a bit brighter than usual-- and with how he looks, splayed out like that, it honestly isn't that hard.
But on closer inspection -- particularly in her hair, where the textures are more complex -- there's something a little off about her. Like she's not being fully rendered, or textures are popping in, or the resolution on her is just a little less than it should be.
As usual, she's brought lunch, and she passes him a bento box. She's learning how to make slightly more complicated things, so today it's noodles with soup and things. She sits next to him, not quite sure where to start, her own box still untouched. ]
How... are they? [ The news. Start with that. It was tangential to what she really wanted to know, at least. For once, she doesn't really feel like being direct. Not right away. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 04:28 am (UTC)I told you I was beginning to remember things. But I never said what exactly it was. ...I'm remembering my years in school. Ah, I guess you could call them...the eve before we became Despair.
Between this mind of mine that's feeling so much and so aware I sometimes need peace...to not seeing anything but my own designs, [He drops his eyes, staring at the ground. It seems easier.]
I couldn't talk to anyone about it save, Hajime. Ha, I wasn't sure what to say about it to you. I know you wouldn't judge me for it but...it feels shameful. Like I'm not worthy of you to be so... But, I knew I had to tell you. When ahaha, I was ready. [He raises his head, raking his hair out of his face to look her in the eye.] I got suspended.
When it's very likely, I should have been expelled for...what I did. Sorry for...taking so long to tell you. Mm, I have more memories but...that's the one that bothered me the most. Since...when I did something like that last time...
[His eyes slide away from hers. Thick black chains wind around his his wrists, and the ghost of his Despairing self enfolds over the present. Last time, he set up his own murder.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 04:41 am (UTC)throughagainst the chains and shackles, and she holds those too. It's all him. ]I came here to ask you that.
[ She says it quietly and she can't look at him. Those chains... she wants to really, really make sure he's okay. She rubs his wrist, almost massaging it. She can feel his beating pulse, so human and warm to contrast that cold metal. ]
Sonia-san remembered, a-- a few days ago. [ She shivers. The memory hasn't gotten any weaker. ]
Everyone was there. The entire class, the teacher... [ me ]
But you and Hajime. You were gone. And I didn't know how to ask you why. I guess I still didn't.
[ She'd lost her chance before she'd told him, hadn't she? She leans back against the bench, now intertwining her fingers together, a sad little confused smile playing across her face. (It's probably a smile.) ]
Ah... we still don't know how to talk to each other, any of us... it's a process, isn't it? Just like anything else...
But Nagito-kun... did you really think for a moment that I would think you're unworthy? How could I?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 05:14 am (UTC)He hasn't answered her about the idea of him being unworthy. No, that got kicked out of his mind because now he has to ask her.
Komaeda looks at her face as he asks.] ...the entire class. All of class 77.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 05:21 am (UTC)Ah... a bit bigger than we expected, isn't it? [ And for a moment, again, as she holds him, her arm seems to pass through the chain hanging off him.
Probably just a trick of the light, though. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 05:27 am (UTC)Ah, and my friend Silver. Another version of him arrived and was here for a while.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 05:39 am (UTC)One version of you walks down this path, and the other walks down the one you didn't take. At your core you possess the same qualities. But who you met, who bonded with you, and how you shaped yourself is different.
It doesn't make either less important. They're just different and how others respond to them is different because of that. [He gently draws her hands close to him and dips his head, brushing his lips over her knuckles.] Chiaki, not matter who she was.
You're you. [He looks up into her eyes and purposefully speaks in his native language. Making sure to use the strongest form of love he can, to say...] And I love you for who you are.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 06:25 am (UTC)Oh, Nagito... [ She leans forward and kisses his forehead, slipping into their language as he does, just for a moment. ] I love you too.
[ She'd cried out a lot of her worries earlier in the week. Ironically, since she had done that, she was having a hard time putting them back together in her mind. One piece at a time -- and she strokes his hand as she does, another piece of anchoring, and closes her eyes softly to remember. ]
I can still see her. Of all of them, I think she's the happiest. I- she must have done really well. Sonia said she brought you all together.
[ Her eyes open slowly to look back at the real him. They are two people to whom that memory does not belong. ] Mm... it's something for me to look up to.
[ Again she finds herself grasping for words. Some of the ideas flow back to him before they're vocalized, though. ]
I'm... glad you're telling me. I know that it's been bothering you, and Hinata-kun too-- especially him... but it's hard for me to know how to help.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 06:57 am (UTC)I was part of the class but, mm. [He shakes his head slowly. Nanami makes him feel like he belongs somewhere. As he leans down, touching his forehead to hers, his fingers return to grasping hers.
His chest feels warm.] I wouldn't be so quick to consider her something to look up to. Just different.
Don't live in anyone's shadow. Ahhaha, take it from...someone who had the whole of the school as above him. It doesn't lead to good places. ...and anything you want to say, to vent or just talk about when it comes to this.
[Komaeda draws back enough to let go of her hands and peer into her eyes as he covers one of her hands in both of his.] I'm here.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 07:11 am (UTC)By contrast, his touch is softer than anything she's ever felt, and she shivers a little with happiness as he touches her. ]
Ah... but a little inspiration is good sometimes, isn't it? As long as you believe in yourself, too... you all inspired me on the island, and now here... you've accomplished so much, before I could even get here.
[ She squeezes his hands, taking them in both of hers. And she really wants to be close to him, so she shuffles closer, pressing her forehead against his shoulder. ]
Mm... I could be a literal shadow. But I don't think that's really what's going on, is it? I guess it's kind of hard to say.
But... I do want things. I want to know more about her, too. I think that's important, to know who she is.
[ Another quiet moment, then: ] Hinata probably knew her, didn't he?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-16 08:33 am (UTC)I think that's reasonable to assume. ...This hasn't been easy on him. Hajime...has been really worried about what this means and what it would do to you. [Hinata had been protecting her even as he agonized over what the memories might mean. That has to account for something.]
Ah, but I know you already know that.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-17 03:10 am (UTC)This is so much... I haven't been affected, but all of you have been remembering things, and him in particular... it must be painful.
[ A little sigh as she leans back into him. ] If anything, I'm relieved. I want to take this journey with both of you.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-17 05:09 am (UTC)And so you shall. You need to talk to him of course but, I believe it will all be alright. After all, I believe in both of you and the bonds between us.
That's...the torch that keeps the hope inside me so brillant and strong. Ahaha, well it births other feelings but you know what I mean! [With the bento boxes out of the way he sags, and leans back with a glint in his eye.]
Ah, it's so heart warming I could melt. [He slips further back, seemingly boneless while tightening his arm around her. No escape.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-17 12:24 pm (UTC)I think I'm learning about different kinds of love. There's love that makes me happy, and love that makes me afraid. All from two people. [ She looks up at him. ]
I worry about you two so, I'm sorry!
no subject
Date: 2016-08-17 04:54 pm (UTC)All emotions have nuances. [His voice is soft, like it always is when his mind is far away. No one has ever loved him as much as Nanami and Hinata. He fears for them everyday. Even if he would rip apart mountains just to get to them.]
There's also...love that makes you feel brave. I made Hajime a promise. I'll make a similiar one to you. [He shifts, propping himself up on one elbow as he peers into her eyes.]
You will never be alone. I'll be here, no matter what happens. And even if I'm not physically around you. [His free hand settles just over her heart.] I'll be with you here, Chiaki.
In your hopes, in love, in everything you can imagine! Because I love you and I'll do everything I can to keep you safe. It's not home without both of you.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-18 02:26 am (UTC)She takes his hand again -- she can never seem to lose her contact with him for long. ] I think so too. So... I want to make a promise to you, too. But something a little different.
[ A lean forward to touch his forehead, a gentle kiss to his soft lips, a pull back just enough to look into his eyes, let him know she's serious. ] For as long as we are physically together, in the same world, I'm going to live with you to the best of my abilities. I want to share everything, I want to give you more than just my memory. I want to give you me.
If... that's okay.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-18 04:57 am (UTC)This is what fuels the blaze of hope in his chest. He'd gladly let them mess him up and use him up. Her or Hajime could even tie him up and he wouldn't mind it. He draws back from her lips to nuzzle her cheek with his.]
It's terrifying in a way, just how happy you make me. Ha, but I like it! No. I love how you make me feel!
no subject
Date: 2016-08-18 05:06 am (UTC)But she catches his hand and tries to regulate her breathing as she looks at him, even as her heart flutters. They're so close to losing themselves, and she can feel it. ] Hey, let's... explore all these strange feelings together, all right? Don't leave me behind...
[ But as long as he doesn't... she'd go through all of it and more with him. She'd jump off a cliff from sheer happiness, just to see if she could fly. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 04:54 am (UTC)Komaeda tangles his fingers in her hair as he murmurs softly.]
Whatever happens, as we as individuals grow...I'll walk this road together with you both.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-21 09:46 pm (UTC)